Powerful article!
Being the Other Man Often Equals Anger, Paranoia, and Moral Deficiency!
Also Bitter Recriminations for Your Mental Health and Spirit
Elwood Watson, Ph.D.
Bouncin’ and Behavin’ Blogs
Elwood Watson, Ph.D.
Published in
Bouncin’ and Behavin’ Blogs
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8 min read
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6 days ago
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Guy Stuff Counseling and Coaching
Several years ago, a prominent mayor admitted he had had an affair with the wife of one of his supposed best friends. Not surprisingly, the story became big-time news in the mayor’s city. Local news media outlets asked numerous people their opinions about the scandal. Reactions ranged from indifference to shock to outrage.
What was notable (at least to me) was the number of men interviewed who stated that the affair was not the issue; rather, the issue was that he had it with the wife of one of his best friends. Indeed, this seemed to be a common sentiment among more than a few men.
My reaction was, “Wow! Are you serious?” It seemed that for many men, having sex with another man’s wife/girlfriend was fine as long as you were not friends with/did not know the man. A few years ago, I was reading an article about men who step outside of their relationships. In essence, such a man would be considered the “other man.” In interviews, men provided information about the behaviors/activities they would engage in if they were interested in another man’s wife or girlfriend:
One man said he would leave some squirts of shaving cream in parts of the bathroom as a message to the husband/boyfriend.
Another man said he would make sure to leave a small bottle of men’s cologne in the wife’s/girlfriend’s cabinet while he was in the bathroom.
Yet another man commented that he would leave a couple of condoms inside the husband’s/boyfriend’s clothes that were on the floor or in the closet when the wife/girlfriend left the room for a few minutes.
Several men stated that they would locate the husband’s/boyfriend’s phone number or address and call him, mention his wife’s/girlfriend’s name, and either hang up afterward or make comments to alert the husband/boyfriend that his wife/girlfriend was unfaithful.
Therefore, a few men were so shameless as to contact the other man directly by phone or mail and inform him, “Dude, I’m banging, f*cking, boning . . . (fill in whatever crude term you like) your wife, girlfriend, etc.” I was appalled and disgusted by such behavior!
Recently, I became friends with a man who just went through a divorce. He has two boys. He mentioned that his wife had an affair with seven men. Talk about a tramp. Three of the men (as my friend found out in the court custody case) had sex with his wife upstairs in his bed while their children were downstairs watching television!
The sad reality was that he knew two of the seven men. Upon hearing his story, I could only think, “Wow!” I jokingly told my friend that he handled the situation like a conservative, suburban White man. I would have handled things like an MBM (mad Black man)! We both laughed. On a more serious note, in all probability, I would have “kept it real.” Things probably would have gotten ugly! For all the talk about women being homewreckers and so on, the truth is that men are no different. People are people!
When it comes to adultery, society has always labeled the woman as the sinister vixen. Indeed, the “other woman” has been the subject of countless films, television programs, and stereotypes. Whether it’s Hester Prynne humiliatingly adorning the adulterous letter “A” in Nathaniel Hawthorne’s novel , The Scarlet Letter . Glenn Close deviously boiling bunnies and terrifying the bejesus out of Michael Douglas in the 1987 thriller Fatal Attraction; or the angry, frustrated adulteress frantically lamenting about how he’s promised repeatedly to leave his wife to be with her, the “other woman” has received her share of both negative and sympathetic attention throughout time.
However, there is much less information or material available that discusses the other man. Outside of a few literary accounts such as D. H. Lawrence’s novel Lady Chatterley’s Lover https://www.britannica.com/topic/Lady-Chatterleys-Lover and Annie Prioux’s short story “Brokeback Mountain.”
The former has had numerous film adaptations. The latter examines the issue of the other man from the perspective of a same-sex dynamic. Michelle Williams is the victim of the sexual impulses of her husband’s (Heath Ledger) love for another man. Anne Hathaway is the other wife who harbors strong suspicions that something is amiss about her husband’s (Jake Gyllenhaal) sporadic trips.
Mark Ruffalo is the free-spirited owner of an organic foods restaurant who deviously injects himself into a marriage between Annette Benning and Julianne Moore in the 2010 film, The Kids Are Alright. He was the anonymous sperm donor for both children.
The Other Man, a 2008 British-American psychological thriller film directed by Richard Eyre showcased the mental anguish of a widower determined to confront the man who engaged in adultery with his wife after her death. Lady Chatterley’s Lover has seen several film versions over the decades. Brokeback Mountain was made into a film in 2005 https://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/brokeback-mountain-2005 that was nominated for eight (8) best picture awards.
Former Calvin Klein model, Michael Bergin described his experience as being the other man in his 2004 book, The Other Man: A Love Story — John F. Kennedy Jr., Carolyn Bessette, and Me, https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/805753.The_Other_Man. Fictionalized and real life versions aside, we usually do not hear much about the “other man” when adultery is at the center of marital discord.
Bros on the Prowl!
Psychologists argue that there are a multitude of reasons certain men gravitate toward women who are already in relationships. The following are some universally common reasons:
Fear of commitment: Women in relationships are not free to look for a commitment, so they offer a no-strings-attached arrangement. In other words, there is no need to pay for the cow when the milk is free. These relationships can be seen as less stressful (on the surface at least) and demanding and as a convenient excuse for avoiding commitment.
Naughty boy syndrome: The rush of adrenaline and the thrill of doing something taboo can fuel some men. The “ain’t I a devil” mentality characterizes these types of men.
Ego: Some men, especially narcissists, enjoy the idea of drawing the attention of women away from the men they’re committed to. The perverse ability to think, “Look what I can do,” provides a major ego boost.
Cheap and easy sex: “Aw, you only want sex from me because you’re committed to someone else. Well, OK, if that’s the way it has to be,” he says snidely with tongue firmly planted in cheek. In reality, these men are fooling themselves and may very well feel like damn fools before it is all over.
Avoiding expectations: Some men perceive married women as having lower expectations for long-term commitment and marriage, which means less pressure on them. In fact, some of these men think the woman will eventually tire of them and either reconnect solely to their husbands or move on to another fling. Quite frankly, this suits such men just fine. At some point, they plan to do the same thing.
Affair at Mid-Stage:
Affairs, more often than not, wreak havoc among all parties: the cheaters; their families; and, in some cases, their extended family members. Being the other person at the center of an affair, more often than not, does not bode well for the man in the long term. Knowing that the woman he is involved with has a life that cannot include him will eventually leave him angry and frustrated. Assuming that he has any sense of decency within his “cheating heart,” he will undoubtedly feel one of the following:
Guilty: Realizing that he is hurting someone else’s relationship can be unbearable no matter what mental gymnastics he engages in to justify his behavior. He is well aware that his behavior can cause considerable pain to one, possibly two, people and can wreak emotional havoc on an entire family.
Ashamed: There is nothing noble about being the other man. He is unable to present his girlfriend to friends or family, and because most people have a negative view of cheating (even cheaters themselves), he cannot tell them either.
Powerless and controlled: Sneaking around and lying is par for the course when a man cheats, but when he is the other man, he has to adhere to her schedule and agenda. He has little control over how the relationship progresses, which can result in the man feeling as if his manhood is being diminished.
Keeping secrets, lying, and sneaking around can also lead to anxiety and stress and the constant feeling that the man’s position in the woman’s life is not secure. This is particularly true if he is the jealous type.
Are you the other man in a relationship? Or have you ever wondered what it really means to be the other man? If you are having or are thinking about having a relationship with someone who is already committed, there are some important things to consider.
The End of the Journey
The emotional toll of being the other man can be overwhelming. The truth is that relationships from affairs rarely last. This means that for some length of time, you are wrestling with the high likelihood that
She may very well call it quits and go back to her husband.
Your emotional investment may have been in vain.
The feeling of rejection after she leaves you for her original partner will likely be devastatingly painful.
Expecting sympathy and support from others will be an uphill battle.
Living with this constant uncertainty will be emotionally draining.
In the event your relationship ends, especially if it is an abrupt ending or the ending is not what you wanted, you may also feel intense jealousy toward your partner’s significant other. Feelings of jealousy can lead to
Bursts of anger or rage
Erratic or obsessive behavior
Bitter recriminations for your soul and spirit
Deep Depression
Unfortunately, the emotional fallout of being the secret other man can be extremely difficult to manage because — by the very nature of being the “other man” — your supposed “rights, feelings, and priorities” were on borrowed time from the very beginning. Hopefully, by the time you have realized you need to call it quits or by the time she has ended things, the damage you caused by your selfish recklessness has not spread and affected spouses, children, or other loved ones. The irreparable emotional damage done will likely be solely confined to you and the “other women” you involved yourself with. In essence, karma can be a brutal bitch, bastard, etc… Mental food for thought.
Elwood Watson Ph.D. is a professor of history, Black Studies, and Gender and Sexuality Studies at East Tennessee State University. He is a cultural critic, syndicated columnist, and author of the book,: Talkin’ To You, Bro!: Liberate Yourself from the Confusing, Ambiguous Messages of Contemporary Masculinity (Lasting Impact Press, 2021)
